As I sit here, keyboard in hand, I am reflecting on a feeling that has been haunting me for a while now. 

This ominous cloud finally has revealed to me old memories that locked away from memory long ago.

The weight of the truth is pressing down on me. A sensation beyond anxiety, an urgent pull within my solar plexus, a glimmer of hope also.

If I’m brutally honest about my inadequacy, most of my life I lacked true substance and depth.

Yes, I knew and understood substantial things but the essence living within my vessel was a void soul, wandering.

I deluded myself into believing my depth was real, when in truth, it only existed as an abstract idea within my psyche.

For a considerable amount of time, I avoided facing this reflection, consumed by a counterfeit image perfected by the arrogance of my pride filled heart.

I boasted outwardly, eluding my own fears through a facade of confidence.

Inner Child; Age 5

At the mercy of a 5-year-old’s whims and emotional disregulatiom, I found myself behaving as such. Insecure Me, left behind long ago.

The little girl sought safety in my shadow, thinking she was protected, she was unwittingly confined.

She had many gifts and talents that were locked away with her in the dungeon of self abandonment and betrayal.

Her gifts from God were robbed by me, I thought it would be safer, I was a child.

Now she wants out. She’s angry. I’m angry.

She’s spearing a dagger through my heart, dividing bone from marrow as the facade I have spent decades building around myself is falling like a house of cards.

Hidden behind the mask of  pretentious self-righteousness insecurities was my shadow, controlling me in every way, dictating every move.

The more I avoided this realization, the more control my shadow ultimately had.

I had denied the true essence of who I was, becoming a coward.

The inner child, who once radiated promise and possibility, has been stifled by my ego. She has been muted by my arrogance, deprived of her innocence and delight.

Now she cries out for freedom, for a chance to break away from the shackles that restrain.

I am torn between the person I have become and the person I know I was designed to be (within my DNA).

Torn between the safety of my familiar facade and the uncertainty of embracing my true self, as it will go against all my comfort.

The comfort of ignorant pride that I find myself in will be replaced by raw vulnerability so profound it is sure to impale my soul, stirring the stagnant waters, unearthing lost treasure and sewage once I jump fully into facing my insecurities head-on.

I know that I cannot continue to hide from my reflection, to avoid the truth that lies within me. Now I know, there’s no going back.

It requires courage, humility, and a strength that can only come from my Maker…  to have the strength needed to face these darkest parts of my psyche. 

---

To my inner child:

I promise to listen to you, to honor you, to let the light shine through you.

I will finally uncover the substance I have been thirsting for, the courage I have been missing, and the freedom my soul has been remembering, thanks to your (my) relentless character.